I sat down this past week and truly reflected upon the current state of our existence and asked
Is all of the anger really worth it?
Is the screaming, destruction, blaming, looting, raping, burning and killing actually worth it? Does it some how solve the real issues or make it right or even balance out human error or even the evil mind of one person…or an entire a group?
Last week, my husband and I had one of the biggest fights we have ever had. It wasn’t the first and I’m certain it won’t be the last, but this one hit me deeply, like, a soul-deep gut wrenching hurt. It shifted my wiring in a new way. It not only made me look at our dynamics but caused me to look at the dynamics of the interactions between groups within our own communities.
I mean, there was no betrayal of our marriage or physical violence, but….some words were spoken out loud that temporarily shattered my spirit. I couldn’t breathe from the emotional punch to the solar plexus. I felt paralyzed!
Some behaviors were displayed that left me standing alone in total isolation. Lonely and abandoned. It was as if he was an angry protester pissed off at a lifetime past based on the suffering of his people that morphed into an isolated looter, shattering the windows of businesses and homes, and empowering the demons around to rush in and bring total destruction….the bricks of his own frustrations became the damaging projectiles that hit me hard.
I reflected on his behavior, my behavior and the behavior of our nation. In his eyes, I was the reason for his outrage, not because I did anything WRONG but because the weight of the world rested heavily upon his shoulders and he had no other conscious or wise means to let it go….except targeting me.
I became the looted; the broken property. We would sweep up the glass, remove the graffiti and repair or replace anything broken inside…and resume business as usual. Because this is what community does.
What caused it all? I wasn’t able to meet an expectation in a given situation.
PLOT TWIST….Conflict is inevitable….but expectation is toxic and completely a choice!
It’s part of the decision making process, both within ourselves and when living our lives. It’s REALITY. It’s daily. It’s normal.
What’s not normal or ok are OUTBURSTS of rage and violence. It’s not OK under any circumstance, whether trying to reclaim your power after oppression or taking on the karmic energy of past experiences.
When a person is conflicted, it’s important to ask the self:
Why is this upsetting me?
I mean really LOOK deep inside! Most often, you will find that what upsets you comes down to YOUR very own expectations of others. Did they DO what you asked? Did they read your mind? Did they perform how they SHOULD have?
I’m not talking about the extremes, as there are boundaries and limits to expectations.
I can and should be able to expect that others will not bring physical harm to me without DIRECT provocation. The same for my children, my spouse, my family and my property. NO ONE HAS A RIGHT EVER TO LAY HANDS on ANOTHER, with the exception of defending ones property, albeit body, family or property. Period.
What I AM talking about is the expectations of others in terms of what or how YOU THINK THEY SHOULD…
DO
BELIEVE
ACT
REACT
SAY
EAT
LIVE
BE
I do my BEST to be understanding of people, whether it’s individually or as a group, their challenges, their mood shifts and mental and physical struggles such as being overwhelmed, ill, fatigued or just wanting to please others. In truth, people create their own anger and emotional turmoil.
When a person yells, they aren’t yelling at YOU. When a person clams up and stonewalls, they are punishing YOU because YOU touched a past unhealed hurt within themselves and made that wound bleed. When a person speaks ugliness or meanness, retaliates or shows a vindictive expression, they are trying to get back at all the past wrongs they feel were done to them….YOU are just the BOBO DOLL for the moment.
People who snap, lose their temper or explode, and even transform into hatefulness, violence and destruction are expressing a lifetime of their own past hurts and experiences and placing them onto YOU in the only way they currently know how. It’s an overtaxed EGO….and it’s ugliness at its core.
These negative behaviors are RED FLAGS for emotional struggles and pains. They are markers for areas lacking wisdom, lacking emotional maturity and a true space of the heart. They aren’t looking for change…they are looking for control.
It’s important in conflict to evaluate the whole of a situation and seek out what is often unseen, starting from within.
I’m not a moody person nor am I easily irritated by delay, change or something unforeseen. In fact, I’m the one who will sit in total silence and really try to listen to what someone is not saying so that I can understand the whole of them and their behavior.
I will tolerate a lot of personal criticism, a lot of blame, a lot of stonewalling (punishment by being ignored or shut down) and a lot of ridicule before I speak up…but if I say NO or ask someone to stop or say it’s enough, I am putting up that boundary in order to protect myself from them and their continuing to hurt me.
I learned years ago not to worry about pleasing others, or making them happy. You cannot make others happy. No matter HOW MUCH YOU DO GOOD, an unhappy person will always point out the meaningless human error that really doesn’t impact the big picture.
Think of it like this…..
You KNOW a storm is coming and you intentionally delay securing the patio furniture, or making any preps, whose at fault for it blowing around and even damaging someone else’s property? YOU ARE!
But what if the storm is not scheduled to arrive for days and you prioritize your preparations? You decide you will secure your patio furniture later in the day, but someone accuses you of being negligent because you didn’t do it when THEY SAID you should…and the storm hasn’t even arrived…..? If you ignore THEIR issues (maybe they forgot to secure the furniture in the last storm and they are channeling their own self blame onto YOU), you will be prepared for the storm. But, if you succumb to the group mentality or their expectations and do what THEY say first, you may realize too late that you forgot or were unable to prepare more important facets and your house sustained major damage.
When others EXPECT of YOU in most situations (like I said earlier, I can fully expect my spouse NOT to ever lay hands on me or betray our marriage), they are creating their own disappointments and oppression. They are generating their own unhappiness, their own anger, their own frustration and their own overwhelmed mindset!
YOU cannot ever bring happiness to another soul! Only yourself. This means NO ONE will EVER make YOU happy, fulfilled or joyful.
That’s ALL ON YOU.
In our situation, we spent too much time on ONE project that had NO RELEVANCE to the WHOLE in an attempt to please ONE PERSON who did not matter in the big picture or in the moment (the project was ‘fluff’…a luxury….a pretty painting on the wall of an unbuilt home). We ended up creating a deficit in TIME…the time we were to use for focus on accomplishing more important priority tasks. This created a negative energy within the parameters of the situation, and caused his ego to take the reigns and start doling out expectations to deflect from his own role.
We see this very same behavior in society right now! Posturing egos who have neglected or even ignored the priorities and opportunities in their life and have turned to a negative energy, doling out expectations of OTHERS to deflect from their own accountability.
To deal with conflict, it is imperative to ask yourself why this situation is causing YOU to be triggered. Did someone do something directly to you that brought you damage? Or did someone not bend to your expectations of what they should have done and this upsets you?
As a said before, conflict is inevitable!
But conflict is NOT YELLING. It’s not violence. It’s not damaging. It’s not saying things out of pure meanness and hurt. It’s not destructive.
Conflict does not put the expected outcomes as priority and then create an environment of negative energy as means of GETTING EVEN.
My husband always says ‘you cannot put toothpaste back into the tube’ when he is referencing words spoken or actions taken in conflict.
And he’s correct.
Arrive at conflict with maturity and wisdom. Don’t allow the anger of the past to cause you to lose your temper in the present. Set your boundaries on just how far you will allow someone to violate your happiness and your peace. Walk away or seek refuge if the crowd is getting out of control.
But most importantly, release expectations of how things are suppose to turn out.
You cannot be at peace in nature if your daily energy is full of expectations.
You cannot repair a broken system if your energy of change is through expectation and violence.
You cannot speak of wisdom if your energy is channeled through the expectation of others.
You cannot grow in your relationships if your energy is expecting others to do what you want.
Learn to let go of expectation and you will find happiness and harmony.
Two Tribes Primal Wellness for Men and Women 