I remember a piece of advice given to a group of men and women about keeping your husband happy. Although I didn’t agree with the one-way selfishness of the message, it spoke deeply to me inside as part of understanding my own wellness clients:
Feed him. Let him sleep. Have sex with him.
Very primal and simple things, given that we as humans need food to live, sleep to function and sex for reproduction or creative energy in general.
But again, it was a man’s perspective and deals with men or the masculine; and oftentimes men are simple and primal.
The reality is couples as well as individuals, utilize sex and this creative energy regularly. Or at least they need to.
I respect all humans and where they are on their journey, especially when it comes to sex, but the sexual path is very much a taboo topic and one that receives a lot of opinionated input from people. Often those in unhealthy relationships.
There are very happy, centered individuals who do not have physical sex, but have found a channel for their creative sexual energy through other healthy acts as a couple. These humans are balanced and whole as they have eradicated the energy of ‘cravings’ from their lives.
Not everyone has SEX, but we all have sexual energy.
Sexual energy is the energy of creation, albeit the creation of life or the creation of one’s personal endeavors. It can become imbalanced, overstimulated and even shut off due to past, recent or current traumatic situations and experiences in one’s life.
These experiences often create emotional responses within a person such as fear, worry, cravings, anxiety and in some cases, impulsive behaviors that destroy the constructs of a healthy relationship, both with the self and with others.
As a general rule, sex is the PHYSICAL ACT of a primal energy solely for creation and primal release. The SENSUAL side of sex is more related to our relationship with ourself, our deeply rooted emotions, how we FEEL about ourself based on ‘codes’ of governance and the collateral remains of past traumas – whether we know them, acknowledge them or not.
Creative energy is directly linked to our womb space, or the energy meridian located around our reproductive organs. Damage to this energy space such as sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual expectations, sexual trauma, sexual deviance, sexual humiliation and rape can cause an imbalance in the fluidity of this energy.
From birth to death, our body learns through experience, from both physical and verbal interactions, how to respond to the creative energy within. It’s further influenced by the health of the mind, creating specific responses unique to a person based on all the situations they have encountered.
A person can experience sexual trauma as a child and heal that trauma, resulting in a healthy sex life in their later years! Conversely, a person can have a healthy understanding of sexuality as a child and young adult, but then one toxic or abusive relationship that involves trauma to trust and sexual health can launch them over the edge, never to return to a state of sexual health.
The individual expression of sexual energy is just that…individual!
Many of those who experience traumas often hit somewhere on the spectrum of unhealthy, either by over-expressing their sex in unhealthy or deviant ways or by shutting down sex either most or all of the time.
I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed a woman in a relationship verbalize that she has to ‘put out’ the obligatory sexual act for her partner due to birthday or anniversary! I’m genuinely baffled by women who say this because it is a clear indication something is amiss in their sexual expression within the relationship.
I see it with all kinds of people! Even our young children have been sexualized these days, with sexual clothing and makeup styles that are touted as being EXPRESSIVE.
When logic says ‘you are 14 years old and you shouldn’t dress like a brothel inhabitant’, societal movements counter with ‘they should be able to express how they want and it’s up to the humans to NOT look or act on impulse’.
What? I mean, yes, it is clearly an issue when humans are so impulsive and imbalanced or unhealed in their own sexual energy they must react instantly in order to gratify themselves! BUT….it is also an issue when humans feel as though their own behaviors should have no consequence.
That topic is a completely different story for a different day!
When it comes to a marriage in the traditional sense of the word, with a union of two individuals committing themselves to one another legally and/or soulfully, sex is very important to the longevity, health and growth of the union!
Most exclusive and non-exclusive relationships begin with either a primal or emotional attraction. There is often some NEED within a human that attracts them to another human. Folks with deviant sexual behaviors still have a need, albeit an unhealthy and unhealed need relative to some other part of their life.
When we take on the exclusivity of a union, as the overwhelming majority go into a union expecting, it’s important to ensure the needs of the relationship are being communicated and met at all times.
The foundational needs of the two humans forming the commitment and the bond. I highlight this specifically because I have discovered through over a decade of targeted research that most relationships come under the influence of others who are not involved directly in the relationship. Family, friends and even coworkers are consulted for advice on relationships, oftentimes without having any expertise in healthy commitments.
These needs vary from couple to couple, as do many other factors such as emotional and physical trauma energies that slime the relationship. Here are some other factors that influence needs:
- Work schedules
- Children
- Caregiving
- Body functions
- Physical, mental or emotional illness
- Pain
- Hormones
- Emotional triggers
- Physical traumas, abuse and experience
- Age
- State of well-being: mind body soul
What I’ve noticed in 20 years of coaching women is they either SHUT DOWN SEX with their partner ALTOGETHER or they become OBSESSED with being a SEXUAL OBJECT for everyone else to observe in order to gain sexual attention to themselves and their body.
These women become absolutely chaste and refuse to have healthy and necessary sex with their spouse, forcing the other spouse to accept abstinence for months, even years for some! The flip side is they may become vain and overly expressive in their sexuality, walking around oozing their sexual expression or sexual deviance, sex talk, sex jokes, onto other folks who genuinely have no interest.
The latter is often done without healthy boundaries being set on what is appropriate for the ‘crowd’. It is noteworthy to say:
Appropriate, healthy personal boundaries can alleviate a lot of uncomfortable or conflicting experiences.
Either way, they are harming the healthy relationship they believe they are in.
They are either the NUN or the PROSTITUTE!
The former creates serious issues in the relationship directly, using sex as a tool of punishment or reward, while the latter creates issues in the relationship eventually, masking itself as ‘expression’. Both open up portals to deceitful and dangerous practices.
In personal experiences, when my husband sees the latter, he is often confused, even a little sad for the other spouse, because the woman is:
Showing off their goodies for everyone to see
That is his moral code and part of a value system that works in our relationship. He is not interested or intrigued, but rather holds to his own moral code and personal boundaries. These boundaries and codes are not generally accepted, but rather personal and individual to him.
Regardless of which part of the spectrum an individual is on, there are some clear identifiers in relationships that are NEON SIGNS in terms of unhealthy relationships. Some signs of serious sexual dysfunction in a marriage are:
- Pornography (secret, addiction, etc)
- Excessive or exclusive masturbation
- Lack of erection or ejaculation
- Lack of orgasm in women
- ‘Obligatory’ acts (the birthday blowjob)
- Pathological cheating, although ANY cheating, physical or emotional gives rise to serious problems in a marriage
- Flirting with others…NOT ok
- Seeking out deviant practices like 3rd party sex, swingers, open relationships and bizarre sexual practices involving someone outside of the marriage
- Rejection of sexual advances of one’s spouse, whether verbal or physical
- Distracting oneself to prevent or avoid sexual advances from one’s spouse
- Sleeping in separate beds or homes to avoid one another
- Sudden changes in desires for sex in the relationship and other sudden or new behaviors
- Ritualistic sex practices
- Exceedingly freakish sexual practices that go outside of what is reasonable, normal and healthy in a relationship…especially if it’s not mutually agreed upon
- Lack of regular sex in the marriage with the spouse (we go at it 4-5x a week)
- Others
This list is not an exclusive list nor is it an exact indicator of problems or issues, but it’s a place to begin evaluating your own future or current marriage relationships from a sexual platform.
I’ve often said, if someone I am considering to marry has a wandering and flirtatious eye or an obsession with pornographic materials, he’s not the one for me. It will get worse and it will be the portal for an unhealthy relationship. That is a personal, individual and healthy boundary for me.
Someone else might be able to tolerate this behavior in their relationship and agree to it as a whole, but for me, these behaviors would highlight deeper issues within the individual that have not been addressed and healed. This doesn’t mean one is broken, but it highlights the differences on the path, individual codes and value systems.
This is why it’s important to select a partner who has similar values, relationship codes and even compatibility in the marriage bed.
This knowing comes from my own experience, observation of others and the journey affiliated with my own healing from sexual and abuse traumas. Trauma is a real thing and impacts TRUST, EMOTIONAL RESPONSES and SEXUAL BEHAVIORS!
Today, I’m not writing about how to heal sexual traumas, or even how to recover from someone cheating in the marriage or how to exit a toxic marriage where one person has pulled away sexually. This is something YOU have to work on yourself. If you are engaged in toxic self-destructive or relationship destructive behaviors because your spouse has shut down, is a cheater or has some deviant practices (ie…swingers) and you aren’t happy with it, that is YOUR area to HEAL!
I’m not even writing about how to reflect upon yourself and your own traumas. But rather, I’m writing to make a clear statement…
If you are married and NOT having healthy sexual relations with your SPOUSE exclusively, there are deeper issues that MUST be addressed, healed and released before it’s ‘too late’.
This isn’t to BLAME one person in a relationship either!
It’s not one’s ‘fault’ for shutting down due to trauma or issues of the past or even hormonal shifts within the body. It’s not one’s fault for feeling resentment towards someone who betrayed their trust in the most horrible of ways. It’s not one’s fault they stayed in an abusive relationship or that they endured abuse as a child. Its not a person’s fault they failed to set boundaries or they flirt with people they know they should not be flirting with. It’s not a person’s fault their past was so horrible they had to bring unhealed and repressed behaviors into their relationships.
But it IS their responsibility to heal!!!!
I see this all too frequently with women pointing fingers and blaming the men in their past for their own chaste or overly sexual ‘expressions’. I equally see men blaming women for being ‘too sensitive’ and ‘too emotional’ about sex or sexual activities and practices.
Stop blaming!
In essence, a man or the masculine energy wants the act of sex and a woman or the feminine energy wants to feel nurtured, held and intimate. Although this is not exclusive, it is the basis for sensuality and sexuality. There are many nurturing and sensual men on the planet as well as some VERY primal, sex-oriented women.
The wounded masculine has been brainwashed into believing they must explore all fish in the sea and that their identity is based upon the number of victims they can leave behind in their trail of lust! He needs props and illusions, fantasies and extras to feel satisfied, even though he never reaches satisfaction, at least not for very long. He demeans and degrades the human body if it’s not ‘perfect’, it’s natural functions, it’s emotional experiences and even forgets to address the sensual aspect of the encounter.
A wounded masculine doesn’t understand his NEEDS but moreover, he doesn’t understand the NEEDS of others.
He is the narcissistic lover! Fuck it or fight it. The Primal Lover….fuck me, feed me and let me sleep!
The wounded feminine has been brainwashed into believing that ‘Prince Charming’ will hold her close through all moments and will respect her emotional wounds indefinitely, with him being patient, no matter how long it takes, towards sexual activity. That he will respect her menarche, her mood swings, her bloat, her body issues, her psychological issues over something that happened 20, 30 or 50 years ago. She thinks he should just hold her with gentle arms, never experiencing a sexual arousal when he holds her…because sexual arousal means he’s being ‘dirty’.
She is a clingy individual, and sometimes can be judgmental to any expression of sexuality or sensuality. She avoids touch because it means sex and she craves a hug but is so frigid, she cannot be at peace. She is busy of mind and body, flitting from one project to another, always giving of herself by acts of kindness or generosity, but never to herself for true sexual energy.
She is a regimented lover, expecting specific acts and behaviors before she gives herself over. She dresses herself like a prostitute, selling herself to everyone, except her spouse. She is selfish of mind and judgmental of tongue. Frigid and demanding. Attention seeking.
I’ve watched BOTH of these wounds in others and even within myself at certain points in my past. I can identify with the wounded feminine and the wounded masculine. I’ve put myself in some VERY unhealthy situations, both sexually and relationship wise because of these wounds.
However, I was able to reach deep inside and heal the seat of the soul and the traumas I experienced from both an emotional and sexual side. As I healed, I realized that my husband deserved to be fulfilled sexually on a regular basis….and so did I!
We all have sexual needs that are healthy and nothing to be ashamed of. Unmet sexual needs open the door for greater problems in the relationship with the self and with others.
Abusive, critical or neglectful spouses can often be the reason to launch their partners into seeking safety from others, often destroying the relationship itself.
Busy partners can create a poverty mindset, where they shut down their sexual energy altogether, generating a neglect towards their own needs and the needs of their spouse. Filling their connection time with projects and work.
A healthy marriage requires regular sex! Not OBLIGATED sex. I cannot keep up with the number of times I’ve heard women use this term…obligated! It breaks my heart because I feel so deeply for the wounded who suffer because of this.
There should be NO obligation to sex in a marriage or any relationship EVER. But there should be NO lack of sex in the marriage either, barring physical illness rendering it impossible.
When a couple starts seeking sexually deviant pathways, this is a clear indication there are problems in the sexual relationship.
Comments about other people or their bodies, seeking stimulation in excess not from the spouse, lack of play or intimacy, issues with pornography, spending excessive time apart and freakish behaviors that expand beyond the couple are always neon signs of the trouble ahead!
We ALL have sexual needs. When you shut them down because of your own FEARS, ANGER and EXPECTATIONS, you are silencing those needs. But when you do this to your partner? You are HURTING the relationship! Whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Both my husband and I evolved into a relationship with one another by healing our traumas. We both experienced sexual trauma as children! Not to mention, physical and emotional abuse. Neither of us could go back and FIX what was done to us. BUT we could commit to clearing the darkness from our hearts and bodies so that we could be the best sexual partner for each other.
To crave your spouse sexually and receive equal craving exclusively is the portal for an incredible marriage. You are able to create things together! To bring to life beautiful and transforming experiences that grow the relationship.
This is not to say great sex is a reason to stay in an abusive or toxic relationship either.
I am so tired of the wildly expressive feminist groups demonizing MEN for torturing their spouses because I know MORE women who shut down their vaginas and their body sexually to their own husbands for NO reason but their own; who withhold sex from their spouse after just a year or two of marriage!
Too busy with the kids. Medical issues. Bloated. Tired. Worked too hard. All making excuses as to why they cannot….again and again and again.
Men are not the problem. Unhealed and imbalanced masculine AND feminine energy IS THE PROBLEM.
When we can channel our physical and mental energy into healing our own emotional wounding, we begin to repair the delamination and deterioration of that which is a healthy marriage. A healthy and thriving marriage that fits us!
If you are satisfied with your sexual relationship WITH YOUR EXCLUSIVE PARTNER, I cheer you on. Especially if you have been married or together for more than a few years. It is always exciting to witness those who have been married or together in an exclusive and healthy sexual relationship for three or four decades and hear their wisdom as it relates to sexual growth in the relationship. For blog purposes and sharing, I am not interested in details, but rather the general adaptations, understandings and practices within the relationship itself.
I am constantly interviewing and collecting data from individuals who have been married or partnered for at least three decades to a single spouse, foraging for pearls of wisdom that can help others on their journey. And while I discover there are a few who have shut down sex altogether either due to a lack of their own healing and growth OR due to physical disease and body issues, I have found that most of these folks have strong sexual practices of exclusivity and regularity.
Quite the opposing view of what aging sex looks like!
Some things you can do within yourself that can HELP facilitate sexual healing and growth in the relationship:
*Psychotherapy: heal the traumas
*Self-value
*Self-love/self-care
*Self-questioning: why am I shut down or overly sexual? what is so offensive about sex (religious or family brainwashing, harsh gender roles, upbringing) or why am I so deviant and secretive (bizarre practices, obsessions, conversations or practices)? why do I tolerate sexually deviant or hurtful practices or engage in these practices that hurt others (cheating, addictions etc)? When was the first time I experienced these sexual feelings about myself or how I relate to sex and sexuality (a parent who demonized sex, experiencing sexual trauma early on, abuse/neglect as a child)?
*Arts and crafts: sexual energy channeled through creativity
*Healthy boundary setting on sex and sexual topics, behaviors, practices and beliefs (remember healthy boundaries are not rigid walls, but rather healthy expressions for the protection of yourself and your own values that come complete with healthy consequences that you follow through with).
In my own healthy relationship, we set healthy boundaries up front in terms of sex and sexual practices. We have set non-negotiable boundaries and consequences for specific sexual behaviors and beliefs as it relates to our marriage and the relationship. We have communicated our sexual preferences and needs, as well as revisited those boundaries periodically to see if they need adjustment. We have worked through old and limiting patterns, abuse, trauma wounds and imbalances within ourselves as a commitment to one another. We have adapted, adjusted and even shifted our sexual energies.
BUT
We have always respected ourselves and one another in terms of sex and sexuality, growing in the marriage and embracing it’s essential foundation as part of a healthy relationship.
There is nothing unhealthy about communication. Healthy expression to one another about your perspectives on sex and sexuality. In fact, this can open up avenues of growth and deeper connections within a relationship that is otherwise healthy! It can happen with playful banter, sarchasm, role playing and even direct discussion and serious communication.
Dismissive responses, avoidance of topics, shutting down or closing off or even rigid and triggered responses during these conversations can be clear indications of areas needing attention. Sexual attention. Emotional healing attention.
If you or your partner suffer from a sexual disconnect at any point in your marriage or partnership, but especially within the first two decades, it is VERY IMPORTANT to the longevity and health of both your relationship with self and the Union or partnership to address any areas needing healing or boundaries.
Again, sex or sexual attention and sexual compatibility is not EVER a reason to stay in an otherwise unhealthy relationship, especially where there is physical, emotional or mental abuse, extreme belief systems, fanatical behaviors, harsh or extreme religious practices, illegal activities, secret deviant practices or ANYTHING that facilitates a violation of personal boundaries and disrespect towards the other person or the relationship.
Conversely, tolerating someone’s ‘shutting down’ or ‘overt sexual expression and behavior’ is not part of a healthy partnership if it is a breach of your own personal boundaries or needs.
Healing yourself sexually is a wonderful contribution to a healthy marriage and relationship. But discovering the root cause of your own sexual imbalances is FOUNDATIONAL to the health and longevity of the partnership.
Sex within a healthy marriage IS IMPORTANT. The frequency may vary. The expression may shift. But mutual respect, healthy boundaries and communication all play a role in healthy marriage sex in every relationship.
Understanding the link between creating something like art, music, painting, carving, sculpting, decorating, gardening, building etc. and healthy sexual energy can be eye-opening in terms of healthy channeling of excessive or absent sexual expression.
These things can be done as an individual or even together!!!
Heal yourself first, sexually AND in all ways, in order to experience optimal relationship health. Otherwise you will find yourself in patterns of disrepair, conflict and even destructive or dangerous practices.
And remember…
THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF AND HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF WILL SHOW OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU.
Always be kind, patient and loving with yourself.
Two Tribes Primal Wellness for Men and Women 