The relationship of truth was not something we actually consciously sought out. It was something that just happened.
When we first met, have had noticed me briefly, but thought I had fake boobs. He wanted nothing to do with a fake woman. He had been married to one and felt they were too high maintenance with all their financial leaks, spending money on outfits, injections, peels, microbladed brows, lashes not to mention the purses, shoes, jewelry and makeup to go with!
He never gave me a second look based on his first impression. He didn’t know me.
The first time I saw him, I didn’t even notice him. I told him to ‘stand behind the line’ at an even where he was breaking the rules of the crowd. I saw him a second time at a gym and thought, this guy is a pig like all the guys he hangs around with; a womanizer because all he can talk about is this chick or that.
I rejected his dinner invite because I thought he was like the jerk I had just dumped a few months prior…the gym rat ‘dude’ who thought biceps and the ‘open’ were more important than life itself spending his time with his ‘bros’ watching football, the super bowl, sitting at the bar drinking or playing golf, talking about a man cave and the flirting, cheating lifestyle most of those men had.
I ran away from him fast and even thought him an overall loser. I didn’t know him.
When we finally met in person, we talked. We discovered that our external perception of each other was a far cry from the truth. We began to see that neither of us was correct in our initial assessment. His view of me was hedged by a single video on YouTube of me performing a GetUp with a 50 pound dumbbell wearing two tank tops and a push-up bra, giving the illusion of fake boobs. My view of him was hedged by a conversation he was having about some chick sleeping at his house, even though the whole story was that he let her crash at his house and he slept on the couch because he had no attraction to her except as a sister; plus she was, in his words, a controlling narcissistic woman.
So we began talking on the phone. A lot.
I discovered he was different. He was lost in a town with a bunch of ‘bro-tards’ whose only goal or drive was smoking cigars, drinking whisky at veteran groups, big egos, cheating coaches and those men ogling of the barely 17 yo athletes and waitresses as a potential bang, even though these men were all married!
He had been in a dysfunctional marriage where day drinking and pure drunkenness was encouraged. He hung out with drunks, cheats, liars and egotistical people and their drunk, even fake or enabling wives.
He got wrapped up in the groups Harley Davidson groups and the CrossFit groups and even the evangelical church groups, and hated it! He had gone down a path of allowing this because he felt ‘stuck’. He felt odd and that he had to assimilate in order to be accepted. He had to acquiesce to others buying his clothes and telling him how he should act and behave, telling him he needed to go to church, but then encouraging the drinking and partying lifestyle and being unethical!
He thought he found his love in the church but she was a cheating whore. He thought he found his love in a woman he met, but she was fake and controlling and physically abusive. He thought he found his love in alcohol, but that drove him into a dark vortex of destruction.
He was not happy and turned to the booze himself to escape his being told he needed to be someone else. It allowed him to fit in better, even though it created resentment from his own son, conflict in his relationships and landed him the label ‘The Angry Apache’ by those who supposedly were his friends.
He often clung to ‘weirdos’ or the broken people who were already toxic or on the cusp of being toxic because he was trying to get out of the shit of the bro-tarded world he had gotten stuck in. He was NOT a bro-tard, but more like the water boy and jock-strap guy for them.
He supported them. He paid for their booze, their parties, their events and even their gym memberships! He hosted and held events for them at his own home and showed up to theirs because he wanted to be a part of something.
He was trying to understand why this toxicity was so difficult and yet it’s what sucked him in!
IF you were lucky enough to know him in truth, and you are someone he actually respected, then you know his stand about the picture of him and me on the RIGHT, regarding proprietary certifications and credentials.
This image is reflective of HIM fighting his EGO and healing himself to become his truth. It shows him healing the weaknesses and ego trips of the others! It shows him saying ‘I don’t require your validation because you are just a weak pawn if a system of beliefs; a purveyor of fanaticism’.
But that story is for another time.
Me, I had dated a guy for close to 6 years. I had thought of building a dream and having my own gym so began seeking another path to freedom. I had a Masters Degree, a great career and all the benefits of working for the ‘system’. But I was unhappy at a soul level.
I sought out fitness and teamed up with my boyfriend, who was going to love me forever, right? But the dream quickly became me as a puppy dog following its owner, and was in reality my boyfriends dream.
I tried hard to be all that my boyfriend wanted in a girlfriend and a business companion. He was always on the phone with me. I mean, any free time I had from work like lunch or driving home, he wanted to be on the phone so he could ultimately control my actions.
I couldn’t eat by myself, grocery shop by myself, go to a fitness certification by myself or even shower or bathe by myself.
At first, the attention was great having come off of a marriage where I had been absolutely neglected and ignored. The people around me were like ‘he’s so sweet and attentive’. But the attention became a platform for conflict and was often twisted back onto me with him raging over small things I missed.
People loved him and never saw the dark and abusive side of him, as he was always helping others and was shy and obedient. He had a ‘noble’ job and women pined over him because he had ripped abs and was ‘cute’.
In the gym, we had a lot of women clients, most of which weren’t interested in the ‘little man’. There were some weird interactions, but if I spoke about them, he would SCREAM and get CRAZY, even rage.
God forbid I ever dress like those ladies either them because he called them all whores, with their back tats and hoop earrings… but this was his way of manipulating me to THINK he was not interested and what I saw was not real.
I learned to shut down and just observe….he had several violent physical outbursts, but never touched me until the one time. Each year together, the control got worse and these violent outbursts got worse. His harem of women fans got bigger too.
Periodically, I stood up to him and those where the WORST moments. I became the ‘crazy’ one. I was stuck in a classic gaslighting relationship with a narcissist and had two choices. To acquiesce fully or to leave.
I hit my apex when I discovered he had been using Aderol as his ‘legal’ methadone in order to get ripped abs. He was addicted to meth and had a 30+ year history of selling and using meth. He had even been in the federal prison for dealing meth and had a history of rage and violence such that he had a nickname for it.
He worked for the local sheriff and court house, and ran the victim information network responsible for notifying protected victims when their violent criminal perpetrators were released, but that’s what HE WAS! A violent criminal.
He had also hacked my entire life electronically and monitored my every conversation at work, at home, and from my phone. Monitored my electronic thumbprint and monitored my clothing, my schedule and everything I did. Even texts and emails. I cannot imagine the outcome had I been engaged in something ‘wrong’ or unethical! But it was him reflecting upon himself because these were the things he was doing to me….lying, flirting, cheating.
After the ambulance was called from me finally standing up to his abuse and deceit, the police officer took him out of his own house. He then looked at me, even though the officer was a friend of his because of his job, and said:
“you know what’s next….he will not stop and we will probably take you away in a paddy wagon the next time”
This stuck deep. I made my exit and never looked back. I lost all of my ‘so called’ friends who I had coached and developed relationships with. I lost my gym. I lost my job that he had orchestrated in order to get me closer to him to control me. I was at rock bottom.
I was done with men altogether! Especially egotistical, muscle-focused, attentions seeking, drug using men who played coy, cute, charismatic or gave gifts! I couldn’t have been more traumatized by a situation and that clouded my perception of everyone and everything.
So our adventure together began as nothing more than a hiking partner, because we both were put off by egotistical, fake, materialistic, controlling, addicted people. Predictable and distracted people who needed stuff and groups were the LAST people we wanted around us.
We never dated. We just spent time together. We married one another during our healing process, both of us recovering from trauma, because we both knew this relationship was the one to reflect back onto us all of our own insecurities and force us to heal. It was the truth relationship.
Last night in our marriage bed, he whispered to me as he held me close:
I love you baby. You saved me from THAT life and THOSE people. You saved me from myself.
My dog helped me get through the hard times by loving me unconditionally when I was clinging to the ego and got so drunk I couldn’t function, but YOU came in and loved me for ME. You dragged me away from the toxic sludge of that life and those who capitalized on my generosity and shyness. You got me away from the opinionated and fake illusion, and all that I had created to compensate for this illusion and yiu loved me through my healing.
You helped me rid myself of the rotten apples so that I could just be me. I finally get to be who I am.
I know that most people cannot say that. There are a few but most people have to hide who they are. They have to drink, medicate, eat, get involved with groups and other practices in order to mask their deep inner truth! They make themselves FIT with the wrong people.
The shoe that just doesn’t fit. The shoe that rubs a horrible blister every single time you wear it. The shoe that looks good but has no functional purpose to the journey.
He did the same for me. He still shows me today what a man of integrity looks like. He’s transparent, even if it means I get a little upset. He tells me anything that he knows could potentially cross my boundaries; anything he knows that I would be hurt over….all the conversations he has with others!
He’s helped me learn to trust, which we aren’t 100% there BUT I have been able to heal from the abuse and control of the past and the toxic sludge both in his world and mine.
He encouraged me to build my own gym after we set the dream to work together like we once did. One day soon, we will work full time together and we will live our dream as a husband and wife dream team with me coaching women and him, men.
He only took the fitness certification to prove to the ‘bros’ he could do it! To prove to the masses that he wasn’t the idiot they tried to make him out to be. To throw in their face he could. To show them they weren’t all that great.
He wasn’t prepared to fail this test either! And his perspective shifted when he was faced with a weakness of others; a reflection of someone who was enamored with his ‘cujture’ and had no strength in coaching. It took 3 tries as he had to pass it to prove he could.
But today and always, he has been a behind the scenes guy and speaks this as his place.
I support him if that’s what he wants. He doesn’t want to be a leader or a head coach, although if put in a mixed class, he feels a strong pull to be in control. This is why he set his ego aside to let me be who I am and he wants ME to be in charge of that world.
This is a huge milestone for him. So I am now the owner and decision maker of our endeavor. He lets me be and supports me. He will take on clients again soon and will own that side of our business. But all things in time.
He is grateful to me when I can show him the truth of people, as I sense energies of people that even they may not yet see. I sense those who will become toxic to him, us or my life. I sense those who are toxic for other non-toxic people in our life and this is the challenge for their life is theirs.
He has eradicated so many toxic people from his life, and continues to do so.
In fact, there aren’t many people for which he has respect. A handful at most. But you would never know this because he is fair and not unkind. Cross him or his boundaries, and you will see a very different side of him; a relentless fearless warrior. A young girl witnessed this yesterday as she got smart mouthed and edgy with my mother. He stood up and spoke with calm, clear energy. An energy that even the worst would fear. And the girl did. She feared his wrath.
I am grateful for him for helping me shed my own fears and trust my intuition about people and situations.
The only conflicts we have anymore is when someone else crosses his or my boundary and we differ in how to handle it.
Mostly, people show their true self eventually so he lets them show themselves in their drama. They eventually act stupid and he puts them in their place.
Me? I speak up and say ‘this is NOT right’ to you as a man or a human, to me as your support or a human, and as a husband and wife team. He always does the right thing for us and this is the beauty of a relationship as it should be.
Anyway….I’ve been ‘schooled’ by folks for being too long-winded in my writings or saying things they don’t like or agree with etc etc etc. I don’t really care about their opinions. This isn’t for them. Except to say 🖕🖕🖕if they don’t like it.
Today I want to honor the energy of all spousal connections and healing.
Undoing the toxic things and connecting to the beauty of what brings you joy in your partner! The integrity necessary in a healthy relationship. The sacredness of a partnership in the most intimate ways. The healing of the practices we use to cling to in order to fit in or protect ourselves from past traumas. The ability to stand by your spouse and let them be who they are intended to be and support them in their skills they bring to the partnership.
Being able to set down the drink, to set down the fear, to put aside our own selfish triggers, to stop being silent and learning to speak what we need in a situation without anger and yelling or control….these are the moments I celebrate.
I would marry this man 1000x over because HE is the only man I have ever met who is honest and lives in integrity.
He will always do what is fair and just. He doesn’t cut corners. He knows his value and doesn’t need to be an egotistical attention-seeking asshole who is in charge of everything.
He encourages ME to be who I am.
I celebrate the growth and expansion of Jupiter and the love of Venus every time I reflect upon our marriage. It’s why we don’t have couples friends, because it’s often someone who is either stuck on the narcissistic end of the spectrum or the one who is defeated and whipped and can no longer be the human they were intended. It’s emotionally straining for us to have to shield our own bliss.
Toxic couples or those with shallow happenings and absent intimacy….we simply cannot relate.
Every day is a day of love to the man I would choose again and again and again. To the only man I SEE in mind, body, spirit. To the man I would fearlessly SLAY beside and whom I stay capable for!
I’m a badass because a true warrior doesn’t want a damsel in distress to drag him down. He needs a fearless and ruthless bitch who will stand up for what is RIGHT and TRUE, not what feels warm and fuzzy.
*BTW the left photo is what happens when you don’t look at nutrition and eat McDonald’s every day even if you work out. It’s what acquiescing to the groupthink, the party and the concert life gets you.
Dad bod! It was this moment he realized he suffered from a debilitating and deadly disease due to alcohol and poor lifestyle choices. It was here the toxicity of people and wearing shoes that don’t fit you just to be liked, getting credentials just because someone else makes you feel less than, hanging out and communicating with humans who are not your people, but a reflection of your self-destruction…that he began to shift and change.
Here is to all the relationships that defy society and help us grow into better humans full of honesty, integrity and compassion.