Toxic masculinity is in abundance these days. It is leading the decisions and behaviors of every community and every nation. It is present in marriages, partnerships, educational experiences, work relations and even in the wellness community.
It’s obsessive. It’s perfection. It’s black and white. It’s unemotional. It’s without compassion. It’s betrayal. It’s addiction. It’s power through status, looks, money, possessions and sex. It is misogyny, rape, objectification, control and domination.
Toxic masculinity is the HUNT and the KILL, in the absence of the honoring the life taken. It’s mounting the trophy as a win.
Toxic masculinity is revealed through the degradation of another due to their lack of skill, lack of assets and by the comparison to others. It is the absence of seeing the whole instead of the labels placed on the parts.
As I was reading this morning from a newly released book, I thought WOW, what truth in these words!
Men do not have access to healing guides or mentors to help them out of their toxic masculinity. They seek misguided energy! They either align with feminine traits and become helpless victims, incapable, weak and dependent or they rely on other men from their childhood, their fake friendships and so-called leaders as guides to what being a man means.
In fact, many children don’t have a positive masculine energy in their life at all! They grew up with an absent father or even a toxic masculine step-dad. Or worse, they experienced great physical and emotional abuse at the hands of their own mother. Maybe their parent was a drunk, a womaniser or abusive, and their mother was submissive and weak. Who knows, as the reality is different for all.
But one thing is steady, it is all about validation.
Without a sense of wholeness, without self-love, there is an outsourcing of validation that occurs in relationships. Too often, we choose not to build ourselves up internally and, like addicts, search out opportunities to be validated by those surrounding us- DW
It is valid to appreciate expressions of support from our partners and best friends, even complete strangers at times. We all need a little encouragement and support at certain junctures of life.
However, an individual who craves this validation, attention and approval, whether consciously or subconsciously, is dangerous to their own growth and success. They also become the Achilles heel of their own empowerment and self-worth.
Unfortunately, they can also damage the entire span of relationships they have ever had, creating diseased connections that may never cease. It’s akin to a deadly plague that spreads to others unknowingly before it is detected, affecting generations to come.
You cannot achieve self-worth; you cannot value your journey, your growth and your strength THROUGH THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS.
You are not ‘approved’ through winning first place, lifting heavy weights, having a perfect project to display or completing a task in a timely manner.
Your post LIKES, subscriptions and followers DO NOT define the individual soul within YOU!
There is no higher spot in ascension for being a straight-A student or having fucked 100 young bar girls. There is no crown, no sword or silken robe awarded to the one with the best car, the sexiest profile picture or even the biggest tits. You don’t receive an exclusive opportunity to speak to the crowd to share your trophy wall successes or to boast of the 500 former lovers who you still have as friends on your social media!
There is NO honor in domination.
In fact, I have discovered that those who worry about their ‘status’ are the ones who worry about their friends-list on social media. Usually at the sacrifice of their own connections with their husband, their wife or their intimate partner.
There seems to be a correlation to the individual who seems to express their approval via ‘LIKES’ or APPROVALS for an individual based upon their looks or their display of strength (especially in the absence of lifting up their own intimate relationships up to the same level) and their own need for validation.
An aligned masculine is outwardly loyal to the beloved, even if it means releasing others. It’s weeding the garden. He is attentive to the beloved, even if it means ignoring others. It’s watering and feeding the garden. He is careful not to step on or break the stems, even if it means he has to think about what matters. It’s tending to the garden.
The garden is constant work.
The toxic masculine calls it ‘being nice’ or supportive of others, and of course there is validity in this statement. Sure, they may think they are offering support via ‘likes’ of another, buy the INTENT behind the approval is often the attempt to seek out a reciprocal approval…their own validation and to keep that validation going.
What would their EX-wife think if they spoke their truth?
What would their EX-boyfriend or that guy they use to know think if they unfriended him?
The balanced masculine doesn’t care what they would think!
The balanced masculine would remove the pest without concern and without negativity. The balanced masculine understands HOW the battlefield works and that he must treat his own troops, his own tribe, his own circle MUCH BETTER than someone from the past, someone who was a temporary guide in his life, a coach, a teacher, whose job is complete.
Respect for yourself and your inner circle makes it easy to remove those individuals from your life and your space who do NOT BRING GROWTH to you both as an individual and as a couple of authenticity.
If it brings conflict, it needs to go. It’s that simple.
Yet, the out of balance masculine CLINGS to every ounce of validation he can. Every voice from the past to whom he use to connect with because of the corded energies between them, positive or negatively charged.
Every opinion, from the first lover in their life to the certification or degree they hold to the intention of getting ‘it out there’. The balanced masculine doesn’t hold onto these things. He genuinely has no concern for the energies of the past because they do not plague him.
What creates this toxicity?
The single emotion of FEAR drives toxicity when it’s ignored or even allowed to be in charge. Most fears are spawned by the combination of perceived judgment of another and being unaware of one’s own intuition.
To be AWARE of your own fears, your own loneliness, your own insecurities and your own weaknesses IS TRUE STRENGTH. Moreover, it is a very powerful expression of authentic balanced masculine energy!
When you are aware, you are now responsible and are able to make SELF-healing decisions and honor your own boundaries of integrity!
A truly authentic warrior.
Awareness and responsibility open up the door for creative shifting, facing the fears with an individual redirection from emotional reaction to an authentic heartfelt response that grows HIMSELF.
Instead of bowing up and asserting dominance through his need for LIKES, COMPETITION, SHOWING OFF, YELLING, CONTROL, MANIPULATION, CRITICISM, SEXUALITY, ISOLATION or even ABUSE (walking out, stonewalling, gaslighting, violence, etc), which are all traits of the out of balance masculine and all open up the opportunity for shadow behaviors such as betrayal of a relationship, alcoholism, addictions, the ‘need’ for pornography, gambling, emotional ranting, abuse, rape and other displays of toxic masculinity, the aware masculine embraces the feelings of fear and heals all of these.
They honor the presence of their own insecurities about not being validated or the fear of messing up or looking bad on camera or stage. They work within to understand why they feel lonely despite having a beautiful home, a loving family, a loyal wife and a financially successful job.
They hold space for their perceived weaknesses instead of trying to cover them up with their faux strengths!
THAT is POWER! THAT is STRENGTH! THAT is MASCULINE!
How is the toxic masculine empowered to spread their toxicity?
I love the example given in the book about the man in the bar; the one with a little liquid courage coursing though his veins.
He exerts himself with pick up lines and overt compliments of an individual’s physical attributes.
He migrates to a certain age-group, a level of vulnerability or the sad story so he appears strong and powerful.
He tries to connect with them, often in a covert predatory way such that he actually covers up truth with a fake sense of compassion.
He tries to come onto women or act sensitive and be an ear understanding, to gain validation.
He comments on their beauty or what they deserve in their life or even what HE can offer them.
RED FLAGS!
We’ve all seen him. Many of us have sat in the back and made fun of him at some point. Some of us have been approached by him, even entertained him to some degree and many have fallen prey to him or have even used him for our own personal gains and benefits, albeit financial, status or to save us.
But for him, it is all an outward expression of his own insecurities of being weak; not enough!
An enlightened feminine individual SEES this, sometimes even before it happens. They may kindly say ‘no thanks’ or even enact their warrior boundaries and sometimes, harsh rejections. Not to harm, but to hold their position of self-honor. The healed feminine in an enlightened person says with their energy “I see you have your own issues and I hope you heal, but I value my own growth enough to not let you spread toxicity.”
Conversely, a feminine energy who is out of balance, an individual who is numb to truth or even the fearful and insecure, may embolden his advances because she hasn’t tapped into her own masculinity and is unable to recognize these demons and shadows. Or maybe she is fearful and unprepared to fight for herself and her values.
I have been that woman, especially in my younger years. I know what it felt like for me as my fear of speaking up at these older men suppressed my VOICE; my authentic voice of self-love and self-protection. I also know that hundreds of women that I know have experienced the same thing….it is REAL!
It was only into my older years as I grew myself in authenticity did I begin to see this pattern of enabling within myself hurting myself and the enabling of the toxic masculinity linked to the men in my life. I couldn’t change these insecure and toxic masculine individuals, but I could now stand up to them and erect my boundaries of protection.
My JOB wasn’t to make them FEEL VALID in their toxic selves. It’s no one’s job but their own. If anything, my feminine alignment was a reflection to them! I triggered them when I stood up or spoke up! They were infuriated, said I didn’t care or even twisted my stand as an expression of what they were at their sole…toxic. But I no longer cared what they thought of me.
I didn’t HAVE to listen to their gaffaws of self-importance or their fake sensitivities towards me or my suffering as a means to receive validation in some form, or even their aggressive and drunken advances trying to touch me, or call me beautiful or trying to gain intel into my life…..and further gain access to me by getting my phone number or securing a future meet up or even interacting with me on social media!
FUN FACT: FaceBook is the number one cause of divorce these days because people ALLOW inappropriate conversations and behaviors to take place, including scrolling through profiles and liking photos, all that disrespect their own spouses. Conversations with EX-boyfriends and girlfriends. Liking photos of someone else…a model, a celebrity or even an attractive younger person who isn’t part of your lives. It’s opened the door to allow even more toxic and out of balanced negativity to thrive!
I began to realize the toxic masculinity before it even approached! I didn’t have to ‘tolerate’ their sexual aggression or dick measuring with one another. I didn’t have to listen to feed their ego. I could SEE the weakness and toxicity immediately.
The man that bows up or proclaims superiority.
The man that slams a fist on the table in finality or says I’M DONE talking or being around you…and walks out.
The man that speaks ill, is irritated or is silent around his own wife, leaving her feeling like she did something WRONG, but then who speaks kind or with a smile to another man’s wife, bringing greater pain to his own wife.
The man that shows off or seeks approval from strangers but is harshest on the one who loves him; who is loyal to him.
The man that says MUCH and claims to know MUCH, but his actions towards authentic LOVE of self and unconditional love of his partner and his children are not congruent.
Unfortunately, the imbalanced and toxic feminine seeks out these traits and the conflict begins. The relationship suffers because toxicity aligned with anything or any part is caustic to the WHOLE.
The toxic masculine NEEDS the toxic feminine!
They need a dependent, a silent and small companion to feed their boisterous, flirty and grandeous, yet fragile ego!
The toxic masculine REQUIRES submission to their methods, their ways and their control.
They silence, or what I call KILL OFF, the shine of their authentic partner through humiliation, aggression, dominance and abuse. They make ex-parte decisions, do things to validate their existence and then fight when their partner shares similar expressions. They have rules and processes to follow, looks to maintain and videos or selfies to post for LIKES!
The world is about THEM and THEIR validation. Not genuinely about how the other might feel.
A toxic feminine energy will embolden them, and will take their side and agree. They will dull their own shine and skills and talents to let the toxic masculine shine!
This is why we SEE so many NARCISSISTIC/ WOUNDED EMPATH relationships. The toxic masculine meets the toxic feminine.
But….
The authentic feminine is a direct THREAT to the toxic masculine because she challenges him NOT through a fight, but through standing her ground for her own value.
The authentic feminine knows when to call upon her authentic masculine side to set boundaries. She knows when to be silent and when to speak ‘enough’. She knows when to walk away, not out of anger, like the toxic masculine, but out of love and protection for herself and her vulnerability. Her own emotional safety.
But, she returns and loves unconditionally.
She doesn’t NEED his money, his strength, his perceived power or even his looks; she doesn’t need his virility, bedroom stamina, accomplishments or his trophy wall; she doesn’t require him to be perfect or the best at anything. In fact, she would often prefer his humility over his ego. His affection over his prowess. His compassion over his roar.
She wants him capable to carry her, if need be! Not gain the approval of that one girl who shows an interest or to show compassion for someone else at her sacrifice. NO!
She knows unconditional love and holds space for his growth, sometimes sitting on the bench like watching her child try to be the cutest kid on the playground. When he throws a tantrum, she scoops him up kicking and screaming, until he calms down.
This inwardly challenges the toxic masculine because he knows no other way to behave! He’s a temperamental child who is seeking validation and doesn’t even realize it. All he knows is fake and shallow. The intermittent reward of being persistent in finding a ‘pearl’ of validation is now challenged beyond by someone who will not tolerate his toxicity and he doesn’t know if he can handle it!
His friends, father, brothers and uncles all taught him to dominate! To win. To fight. To fuck everything. The toxic masculinity taught him that yelling and having the ‘last word’ was the way to being A MAN! A toxic error in and of itself.
He was taught that his tears and softness, except during sex, were signs of weakness. He was taught that HE is allowed to be quiet and all others must too be quiet. He was taught that any ANY expression of emotion equates to weakness.
The toxic masculine believes a crying partner is a weak partner or that a partner who feels something or is overly emotional is too much, and therefore should be LEFT on their own to deal and get right.
He is so enmeshed with this own toxicity that he believes it to be OK! He thinks his shadows behaviors are what it means to be authentic, when it truth, it’s what his mind has created as acceptance.
Go. Fight. Win. Dominate.
No matter what you do.
The authentic feminine is his most accurate reflection!
An authentic feminine won’t tolerate a ‘fuck it or fight it’ mentality. She won’t acclimate to his beliefs, even if she is silent! She won’t FIGHT him or play dominant with him.
The toxic masculine likes to fight and she knows It. It emboldens him in his toxicity.
She won’t tolerate him being without boundaries, flirting with others or connecting to old lovers, even as ‘old friends’. She recognizes he at one point was intimate with these individuals and she deserves to be respected fully in the relationship! She won’t tolerate or dismiss his lying by omission about these women either! Not because she is jealous and genuinely fears losing him, but because she knows integrity and what is necessary to create a sacred garden of authenticity! She knows it creates inner work and loving the self and those in your circle fully and authentically BEFORE you can connect others. It emboldens him in his toxicity if she does.
She won’t tolerate his salty side in the absence of his sweet. She will challenge him into being soft and intimate. Sexually and sensually connected to her and her ONLY! She will trigger him into affection and a love of himself, for her and even if children and animals. He can hold a baby with love and compassion whereas a toxic man will hold a baby in discomfort or disgust or hand them back if they pee or cry.
An authentic feminine will NOT enable his toxicity as ‘just being a man’ or it’s just who he is. NOT EVEN FOR A MOMENT.
She will help him heal all that he learned from the toxic men in his past and become a more balanced, loving, connected and in- tune partner! She will be patient if she sees his growth! Because she is authentic, she will know his soul and his ability to climb out of the mud and the muck of the toxic masculinity!
…or she will walk away from him if he isn’t willing to heal.
The authentic masculine and the authentic feminine are the highest energy that resides within is all!
It is an expression of love for self, compassion for the innocent child within and the ability to set boundaries against those who infiltrate the peace.
You can love and hold the baby chick and still use it’s grown mother for food!
You can show tears and compassion, vulnerability and vocabulary of kindness and understanding to your beloved BUT can draw a sword and swiftly rid your space of the negative energies who bring conflict to the sacred space of the union.
Are you balanced and aligned with your authentic feminine and authentic masculine?
Two Tribes Primal Wellness for Men and Women 