CONTROL: When we allow others to drive


Last night, I had a dream about the military. I was full of anxiety, ridden with the fear of punishment. This fear resonated from NOT doing things the way other people EXPECT, even if those ‘ways’ were unfamiliar or out of alignment with mine.

The military is the ultimate in CONTROL. There are clear-cut RULES (regulations) and PROCESSES that all MUST follow.  There are LEVELS of success (goals) and achievements, serving as rungs to the ascending ladder of what is deemed valuable, whether through internal drivers or external pressures. Everything and everyone is ranked to the next level in some manner.

Rewards and punishments.

You EARN rewards (treats) by following clear-cut rules and going above and beyond to elevate those rules to a higher level of performance. Many know this as “perfection”.

On the flip side, you RECEIVE punitive actions when you fail to do exactly as the process requires. Although some individuals are provided the opportunity to waive (bypass) the processes, the standards of behavior remain highly controlled and set.

It is a weighted and measured system of judgment regarding what is acceptable and unacceptable.  The ultimate in control.

When we are out of control of our own lives, we allow ourselves to be measured by the standards from which others believe, think or even how one should be.

“What will ‘they’ think”, “I don’t want to look like a fool”, “Don’t say that because ‘they” will think you are (fill in the blank)”, “You should wear your hair (a certain way/style/color)“, “You shouldn’t talk like that”.

I hear it, see it and experience it EVERY DAY.  Expectation and judgment.

As I fully awoke from my dream state and began reflecting upon its meaning, I understood!  Over the course of my life, I have given others complete control of my existence by trying to keep them happy, not ruffling feathers, doing what they wanted me to do, expected me to do and even how I “should” do it.  Think about that!  When we decide to paint a wall in our home and someone else tells us what color we “should” use or what brush style or paint we “should” buy for the best coverage, or even tell us what colors NOT to use, we are experiencing an attempt at someone else to hijack our life!

You may think it is simply paint or even a simple attempt to “provide assistance”, but in reality, it is a potential battleground for CONTROL.

I have consistently held VERY LITTLE space for myself, my skills, my talents and my own true feelings in terms of value, but have worried, either directly or indirectly through another’s comments, about someone else’s feelings.  A sacrifice that is both unnecessary and highly damaging to my very own existence.

When I put energy into making others happy through my own sacrifice, I lose the energy of making myself happy.  If making someone else happy is what brings me happiness, then fine.  But not at the sacrifice of my own well-being.  At the end of the day, it my own happiness that is most important.

Over the past year, I have been tested repeatedly regarding my own happiness.  I may speak softly to myself, reminding myself to be patient.  I have had experiences with people whom I instantly dislike and those to whom I am deeply drawn.  I have also experienced every facet of what its like to be around people and their drama.  Its kind of like being an addict and successfully ridding yourself of the addiction…everyone else who is an addict has an opinion about they “way” you did or didn’t do it…while they are themselves are still living the addict’s life!

At times, I carefully and lovingly speak my truth, and am quickly silenced or even completely stonewalled over my feelings.  I tend to acquiesce to the dominant response because isolation is so painful and in turn, hand them full control over my feelings.  This scenario has occurred repeatedly in my life, driving me deeper down the rabbit hole of understanding the TRUTH about control.


Control is not a word of single definition, nor is it a cookie-cutter methodology.  Sure, some might use the word “control-freak” to describe an individual who has to be in the center of every step of a task.  We all know that person, or you may even be him or her! The one who has to KNOW what you are doing or tells you HOW to perform a simple task such as loading a dishwasher, folding clothes or cutting the grass.  The one who reminds you that you did something wrong or of the “bad” consequences if you don’t do it the way they said.  Just flip through your life and identify who tells you HOW to drive, WHEN to drive, what to buy, where to go, where to stay, when to leave, what to eat and where to shop even when you do not ask them for their opinion.  The perpetual planner, organizer and keeper of all knowledge (so they think)!

I’ve even known people who organize every component of their life such that they have actual panic attacks when someone moves anything within their world. The ULTIMATE in needing to CONTROL.

But I’m not talking about another person’s issues with control; that is their problem and has nothing to do with anyone else. I am talking about a person giving up THEIR OWN CONTROL to another who needs to be in control!

Lets look at control.

When another person tries to command attention or negatively infiltrate the respectful relationship I have with my beloved, I feel odd inside, almost out of sorts.  Sometimes I get hurt. Sometimes, I hold deep feelings of resentment towards the individual.  Sometimes, I feel anger or other strong emotions towards them, hoping they will simply disappear from my present.  I am giving them control of my emotions and feelings.

Its called being triggered, which means something about a person or situation reflects something within myself to which I need to give attention.

When I command and rule my OWN kingdom, I no longer give the lost or the lower vibrating individuals control of my world.  Sure, they still walk into my life via my husband, my profession and even my existence in daily life.  I cannot control their existence.  However, what I CAN CONTROL is the power I allow them to have over me or my emotional responses.

It is this very power that allows me to command and control what happens in my world.  Notice, I said MY WORLD.  I cannot control what happens in another’s world, nor can I control the secondary or tertiary infiltrates either.  If I don’t like someone coming into my space, I will meditate heavily, even pulling in the assistance from my ancestral guides and spirit guides to help me find the peace to heal the karmic energy or to help make that individual a non-existence in my present.  My control of my domain comes from my ability to speak if I don’t appreciate something that is done or said in my present or that made me feel a certain way.  My control of my domain comes from my ability to self-reflect, channel energy, meditate, create and maintain boundaries of what I will accept and allow in my present, create new neural pathways and even say NO from a space of kindness.

I possess exclusive POWER to CONTROL my life.  I choose whom I allow to partake in my life and I choose whom I unwillingly give the wheel.

Some people are bottom-feeders, constantly seeking out leftover remnants or opportunities to steal from others.  They use manipulation and intention to try and take away the safety and security of others.  Some people are so lost and unaware of themselves, they cannot see how their own behaviors bring harm to others.  People who are struggling with their own issues will try to “latch on” to others who “appear” to have it together, when in reality, they may not.  I see this a lot in women, both in relationships and not, seeking to gain the attention of another individual, even if that other individual is in a committed relationship.  You have those who are awake and aware, but without direction who are looking for guidance and will attach themselves to people in an amoebic manner.

The common link, however, is they all have a rich potential to steal YOUR CONTROL if you allow them.

In my dream, I held a huge sense of fear inside.  I was scared to march across the parade field because my hat wasn’t my head correctly and my name tag was on the wrong side.  I was fearful I would get into trouble for my hair being too long and not being exactly as the rules required.  As my flight marched further and further away, I was stuck trying to maintain military bearing, but catch up to them.  I was held up by a superior and forced to march four times around an area because I didn’t follow the rules of the field.  Although I was confident in my drill movements based upon my extensive experience, the others I was with made me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing even though they were the ones responsible for getting us into trouble repeatedly, and even getting us lost in a bad area.  When I tried to kindly assume the lead, I was met with sarcasm, distraction and rudeness.

In the end, I was able to successfully navigate the CONTROLLING system and find a way to get us back to our destination.  Although I awoke from the dream abruptly, I fully understood the meaning to be about me giving away MY POWER to others.

If you are like me, there are moments in your present where you feel at a loss, overwhelmed and even out of control.  Every time you experience a feeling of a situation or person causing you stress or discomfort, remember that you possess exclusive rights to YOU. Set your boundaries, be honest about how they make you feel, how their interactions or actions make you feel EVEN IF SOMEONE ELSE thinks you are “being silly” (or ________insert emotion) and realize that YOU are NOT required to make other people HAPPY nor are you required to give them the POWER to CONTROL YOU or YOUR WELL BEING.   Once you take back your CONTROL, you will see that those in your life who were not there to support and love you unconditionally will somehow miraculously disappear from your circle of concern.

They have a right to choose their actions, even if I DON’T LIKE IT.  They are FREE to make their own choices, even if I DON’T AGREE WITH THEM.





Published by NikkiAlbertVasquez

Our passion is men's, women's and couple's wellness, from being strong and independent to conquering the roadblocks that hinder valuable goals. We are here for those who are READY for CHANGE, who are WILLING to make CHANGE and who are seeking support and guidance on their journey. As a couple, we have quickly grown into a powerful team, the Viking and the Apache, helping men and women discover their own strengths, heal themselves and bring light (knowledge) into the world. It is our mission to help others reclaim their power, integrity and truth so they can heal the world!

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